"Nor 100 Can Assuage Me" Podcast, Episode 78: "¡Los Tres Friends!" with guest Oliver Putnam.

 "Nor 100 Can Assuage Me" Podcast, Episode 78: "¡Los Tres Friends!" with guest Oliver Putnam. For shownotes and additional transcripts, visit tinyurl.com/Nor100Podcast

(An instrumental version of "Epiphany" from Sweeney Todd plays, then fades out as speakers begin.)

Clay: Hello, and welcome to the Nor 100 Can Assuage Me Podcast, Episode 78. I'm your host Clay Lidecker.

Kristie: And I'm your other host, Kristie Sondheim No Relation. If you're a first-time listener, this is a podcast dedicated to unproduced and unsuccessful stage musicals, from Broadway and the West End to New Haven and Manchester. It's summer blockbuster movie season, so it's time for our Third Annual Film Adaptation Ill-Fated Litigation, or FAIL. And boy, today's episode is a real fun one.

Clay: We're talking about ¡Los Three Friends!, the troubled stage version of the beloved film The Three Amigos. So if you're new to the show, how this works is: I won a coin toss two weeks ago, so I got to take a vacation from show prep and research. AND I'll be the one sitting in judgment. Kristie, I know you're looking forward to this: are you appearing for the prosecution or the defense?

Kristie: Well, Judge Clay, I'll be representing the prosecution. And I AM excited, because representing the defense is our previous guest and occasional subject, the producer of ¡Los Tres Friends!, Oliver Putnam.

Oliver: Pleased to be here, your honor. It's nice to meet a judge that can't put me in jail!

Clay: We'll just see about that, Oliver. Nice to have you here. Let me adjust my wig...

Oliver: Looks good!

Clay: And I call this FAIL Litigation (Gavel sound FX) in session.

(A short clip of "We Ride! We Fight! We Love!" from ¡Los Three Friends! It's heroic, 1930's style. The three lead actors each sing one exclamation from the song's title, with flourishes from the horn section and quivering strings.)

Actor 1: We Ride!

Actor 2: We Fight!

Actor 3: We Love!

(Clip ends)

Clay: We'll begin with opening statements. Prosecution?

Kristie: Sure thing, Clay.

(Gavel sound FX)

Kristie: Ahem, thank you, your honor.

Clay: That's better. So, Kristie: What is ¡Los Tres Friends!?

Kristie: The Three Amigos! was a comedy feature film released in 1986 by Orion Pictures. It received mixed reviews, but did fairly well at the box office, and a decade later played constantly on cable to a devoted fanbase. Andrew Lloyd Webber announced he was adapting a stage version of Sunset Boulevard in 1991 (which we covered way back on Episode 30 of this podcast, in our First Annual FAIL), and a lot of copycats attempted to cash in. They ranged from Arthur The Musical to the monumental misfire Tora! Tora! Tora!

Oliver: I still say that wasn't the worst idea.

Clay: Overruled!

Oliver: Me, I would've hired a Japanese director, of course.

(Gavel SFX)

Oliver: Sorry, sorry.

Kristie (laughing slightly): Anyway, ¡Los Three Friends! was an outlier of the trend. It adapted a movie which embraced cartoony cheapness, but still tried to wow audiences with spectacle, with live trained horses AND pyrotechnics onstage, sometimes at the same time. Some of the songs hold up pretty well, but the show was plagued with tonal issues, plus constant delays from the horses, and even the original film's actors. I will today prove that ¡Los Three Friends! failed the source material, its fanbase, and Broadway as a whole.

Oliver: Oof.

Clay: And for the defense, your opening statement? 

Oliver: By 1994, I had adapted four movies to the stage, all successful artistically, even if the ticket sales didn't meet our expectations. After a particularly rough closing, in one of the worst months of my life, I saw Three Amigos! on TV with my son Will, and my whole mood turned around. We both loved it so much, we were still laughing during the commercials! I realized that joy was missing from my work, AND my life. So I hired Raul Malo from The Mavericks to write those songs Kristie likes so much --

Kristie: Um...

Oliver: --and eventually got the rights, and two years later we were in tryouts in Albuquerque. 

Clay: Wait, Albuquerque?

Oliver: It's cowboy country, your honor.

Clay: Okay.

Oliver: We got a lot of positive feedback, and frankly if the horses had been more professional, we could have opened on Broadway. I'm just here to defend the hard work of all the cast and crew, really.

Clay: Thank you. Court will resume after a 60-second recess.

(musical sting)

Announcer: It's Daffy Duck's 85th birthday, and we're celebrating all summer on Caribbean Cruise Lines. Come visit Daffy and all his Looney Tunes pals for a Birthday Ducktacular! Four night cruises start at $1497.

Daffy Duck: That'sth kind of a big deal.

Announcer: You could even call it a Daffy-Deal!

Daffy Duck: You're desthpicable!

Announcer (sped up): Rates based on double occupancy. Not all sailings available at that price. Travel must be booked by July 28, 2022. Ship's registry Liberia.

(musical sting)

Donnie: Hi, I'm Donnie of the Huntsman's Pack True Crime Podcast.

Tucker: I'm Tucker of the One Man's Ceiling Podcast.

Richita: I'm Richita, of the Gravy Baby Podcast.

Kristie: And I'm Kristie, of the Nor 100 Can Assuage Me Podcast.

Donnie: And we're your hosts for the PodPodPodCastCastCast Podcast, the podcast all about the Tim Tomriffic Podcast Network.

Kristie: Once a month, we all get together and chat about what's going on with our podcasts, and the podcasting world in general. 

Richita: We always have a guest, from Oliver Putnam to Cinda Canning, from Sting to Amy Schumer, as they tell us about their own podcasts.

Tucker: It's like podcast-ception.

Donnie: Yo, dawg, I heard you like podcasts.

(laughter)

Donnie: That's the PodPodPodCastCastCast Podcast, wherever you get your podcasts. A product of the Tim Tomriffic Podcast Network.

(musical sting)

Clay: Okay, we're back. Kristie, you may begin your arguments.

Kristie: First, the source movie has some weird tone shifts. It has goofy slapstick and singing animals, mixed with some serious violence and even threats of sexual assault. That's tough to balance, and the book for the stage version requires all three leads to deal with all those things, and turn on a dime from earnest heroics to comic relief, then to the straight man, then back. The reviews I've seen indicate that only one of them, Sam Grant, was up to the task.

Oliver: I'll actually stipulate to that one. The casting troubles we had --

(Gavel SFX)

Oliver: Sorry.

Kristie: Second, and more importantly for a musical, Randy Newman's original songs from the film weren't available. They had a lot to do with the movie's charm, and hearing the original actors sing in their own, untrained voices was really fun. Several of the adaptation's songs are both funny and good, but they're also technically demanding, and more interested in standing ovations than character work, or even being memorable. Here's my Exhibit A. It's a clip of "Piñatas y Armas," sung by Lester Uma playing El Guapo. 

(The music fades in. It's very dramatic, with the sound of a 1990s Broadway pit band overlaid with classic mariachi instruments.)

Singer: And the pretty movie stars, crying like women,

They WILL die like dogs,

And the beautiful Carmen, she will come to me and beg,

Beg for me and receive my powerful love.

Receive my LOOOOOOOOOOOVVVEEEEEE!

(He holds the final note for nine seconds, and we hear applause. The clip ends.)

Kristie: So Lester Uma has a great voice, and it's a decent song. But it's not Three Amigos! The villain of The Three Amigos! should have a fast-talking Gilbert and Sullivan patter song.

Oliver: Damn! You're not wrong.

Clay: Kristie, do you have a witness to call?

Kristie: Yes, I have a deposition from Dan Marvin.

Oliver (happily): Aww, he's a sweetheart.

----

Kristie: Kindly introduce yourself, please.

Dan: Hi, I am Daniel Marvin, and I was the lead special effects technician for ¡Los Tres Friends! in 1996. During our short run, we were 100% incident-free in my department. I worked closely with Chris Sarben, the stunt choreographer, and Josephine Roberts, the horse trainer. And apart from Oliver Putnam, who got a nasty horsebite, every other person in the cast and crew came out unscathed.

Kristie: Why do you think the show didn't make it out of tryouts?

Dan: It was ambitious, mostly. We kept upping the pyro, from one effect to three, and by the end of tryouts, we had swapped in four stunt performers, in place of actors. But the real ball-breaker was the horses. We even built a soundproof room backstage, because the pyro kept frightening them. By the end of our run, we had to admit even that wasn't good enough, so Josie suggested we have puppets built instead. We already had a few puppets, so the turtle and coyote and whatever could sing, so that's not as weird a suggestion as it sounds. And to be honest, my singing effect on the live horses sucked anyway.

Kristie: I don't know about that; how did it work?

Dan: Josie and I built these fake mouths on a modified feedbag, and we had one little offstage hydraulic control that moved all the puppet mouths in unison. My friend Marty Robinson helped design it, and he trained our puppeteer. It turned out not quite strong enough to drive the big horse mouths, so I tried to just increase the fluid pressure. Two shows in a row, it looked like the horses were spitting hydraulic fluid on the stage, because it leaked so much! (pause) So, you said Oliver is on your show too?

Kristie: Yes, he will be.

Dan: Well, tell him I say hi. He hired me straight out of UNM for that job, got me my IATSE membership. I was still a kid, had no idea what was impossible, and he encouraged me to push the limits, no matter the cost. I'd rather work for him ten times than a profitable boring producer.

Kristie: What's going on with you now?

Dan: Anyway, I left New York in 2012, I'm back in Albuquerque now, mostly doing effects for TV productions. But I'd love to get back into the theater if anyone's hiring. That's Daniel Marvin, spelled just like it sounds.

Kristie: Thanks!

Dan: Thank you, it was fun.

----

Clay: Defense, do you have a rebuttal?

Oliver: I can't imagine arguing with that kid.

Clay: Okay, we'll take another short recess, then Oliver gets to present his case.

(musical sting)

Ben Glenroy: New Gut Milk Premium has lower carbs and more protein, with the same delicious Gut Milk flavor you've come to love. (slightly sped up) Ask your local Gut Milk distributor for nutritional and allergen information. Do not operate heavy machinery within two hours of consuming Gut Milk. (regular speed) Available in classic Vanilla Blast, plus new Strawberry Stampede and Sea Salt Caramel. Gut Milk Premium: Live Premium.

(musical sting)

Clay: Okay, Oliver, your turn.

Oliver: Thank you, your honor. We had some growing pains trying to put the show together, sure. The original creators felt some ownership, but they were mostly easy about it.

Clay: I know the original stars weren't all fun to work with.

Oliver: I know all about his reputation, but Chevy Chase was nothing but nice to me. The man's a pussycat. My biggest problem was Steve Martin, honestly. He was unhappy with Raul's songs. Kept wanting to add banjos to everything. Then he tried to get me to hire his friend Paul Simon to write the songs. I love Paul, unqualified genius, right? But A) He's not the most Latinx guy, and B) He had never written for Broadway. How could I know?

Kristie (laughing): Um, hold on. For our listeners, Oliver is talking about Paul Simon's first musical, Capeman, which we discussed on... hold on... episode 11 of this podcast. 

Oliver Oh, did Paul come on the show?

Clay: He. Did. Not.

Kristie: And what about Martin Short? I know there's a fraught history there. 

Oliver: I will never say a bad word about Marty. I love that man, even when he overdoes the schtick. If he's listening...

Clay: He almost certainly is not.

Oliver: Marty, you're wonderful. I'm willing to forget about the restraining orders if you are.

Clay: Can we get back to your defense?

Oliver: A lesson I learned way back when I was producing Hedda Gabler is: If you look back too much, you're more likely to stub your toe.

Kristie: Huh?

Oliver: Well, I think Paula Abdul meant it literally, but I try not to think back on all the things that didn't work. So when I think of the ¡Los Tres Friends! experience, I remember the friendships I made, the careers like Dan's that were begun, and the things I learned. Like hire a funny person to write songs for comedy, and don't try to help out when horses are being fitted for prop mouths. Did we make it to Broadway? No, but a lot -- A LOT -- of the tryout audiences laughed and clapped. This is my Exhibit A. It's part of a letter written to me a few years ago by Christine Newman. She saw the show, near the end of our run. She had never seen a stage musical before. She says: Dear Mr. Putnam... blah blah blah... The first time I ever saw a musical on stage, it was at the Aphrodite Theater in Albuquerque, the weird production of The Three Amigos musical. My dad took me and my brothers, because we loved the movie. I was fifteen, and I didn't understand why so much singing and dancing was added into the story. But Uncle Bruce showed us other musicals, and looking back I can't imagine my life without that first show. I'm a working stage actor, and planning to move to New York soon. If you have any free time, I would love to discuss working for you... blah blah blah. Thank you, Christine Newman.

Kristie: Oliver, you...

Oliver: In her defense, it WAS weird, even for a musical. We had puppets and explosions and live, unpredictable horses, plus 36 musical numbers packed into 204 minutes.

Clay: Two HUNDRED --

Oliver: We were still going to trim it some more. Raul gave us too many good songs.

Clay: Do... are you calling a witness for the defense?

Oliver: Yes, I'm calling my friend Emerald Francis. 

----

Oliver: Hi, Emerald. Can you introduce yourself?

Emerald: Of course, Ollie. I'm Emerald Francis. I played Carmen in the Albuquerque production of your show ¡Los Three Friends!.

Oliver: And what's your strongest memory of the show?

Emerald: Mostly getting to sing "Like No Other Men" every night. What a workout. Plus, of course, kissing Howard onstage. That was before I met my husband, and Howard was a nice enough guy.

Oliver: Tell me, what are you doing now?

Emerald: I'm the director at The Williams Community Theater in Albuquerque, and this year we're putting up our third production of my adapted edit of that stage version. 

Oliver: Adapted how?

Emerald: It's a community theater, so we did remove some swearing, and most of the sex talk, plus of course we don't have the budget from 1996. But the kids love it, and I honestly think the young actor playing our Ned is every bit as good as Artie Carter, who acted the role in '96.

Oliver: That's great to hear, Emmy.

Emerald: We do have some tickets waiting for you, Ollie, if you can make it out to see us.

Oliver: Thank you, dear. I'll talk to you soon.

----

Oliver: And, may I? If anyone listening is near New Mexico, the show is playing the second and third weekends in July. Tickets are at -- hold on -- Tiny You Are Ell Dot Com Backslash Number 3 Amigos Ay Bee Cue.

Clay: That link will be in the show notes, along with their YouTube promo, which I highly recommend.

Kristie: It really does look like fun.

Oliver: And with that, I rest my case.

Clay: We'll be back for closing statements after another short recess.

(musical sting)

Tucker: Hi, I'm Tucker.

Coeleigh: And I'm Coeleigh, and we host the One Man's Ceiling Podcast, where we examine just how far apart one wall can divide us.

Tucker: It's true tales of apartment living, from the funny to the funky.

Coeleigh: From the messy to the messed-up, we invite our friends and listeners to share their own adventures in wall-sharing, like this!

Female Voice: These four fourteen year-olds are creeping around, making up mysteries to solve, and they just have no idea of how the real world works for adults. It's when they accused my husband of an affair that we almost left the building.

Coeleigh: It's the One Man's Ceiling Podcast, only on the Tim Tomriffic Podcast Network!

(music that has been playing in the backgroud swells up)

Paul Simon (singing): One man's ceiling is another man's floor.

(musical sting)

Kristie: My closing statement is actually sung to the tune of "Like No Other Men", Carmen's "I Wish" song from Act One of the show.

(music plays)

Kristie (singing):Never a hit

The horses bit

And lost their (bleep)

Literally once, they just (bleep)!

Oliver (speaking): I forgot that night.

Kristie (singing): The tone is wrong

It's much too long

Too many songs,

Did I mention it's much too long?

(music fades out)

Clay: Oliver?

Oliver: Did I lose money on the show? Well, yes. But I loved every minute of it, and almost all the company did too. If we had some more workshop time, we could've made it work on Broadway too.

Clay: Thank you. And now, in the case of The People Versus ¡Los Tres Friends!, the verdict is:

(dramatic music)

Oliver (muttering): Come on, come on!

Clay: Not quite a failure!

Oliver: Aw.

Kristie: You put up a strong defense, Oliver. Thanks for being such a good sport.

Oliver: It's always fun to talk with you kids. Now do I get to plug? 

Clay: Almost. My name is Clay Lidecker. You can find me on all the socials at Clay Lidecker, or @clayli92.

Kristie: I'm Kristie Sondheim No Relation, at @KristieSingsAgain. The podcast is on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, and on all the socials at @Nor100Pod. Oliver, go.

Oliver: I'm Oliver Putnam. You can find me at @OPutnam on Facebook or Twitter, or at the Only Murders In The Building Podcast. I'm in the early stages of a new stage adaptation of a film I probably shouldn't name, starring Ben Glenroy and Charles-Hayden Savage. 

Kristie: Love Brazzos!

(The instrumental of "Epiphany" fades in as they continue to speak.)

Clay: If you like the show, please give us a rating and review. And consider joining our Patreon at Patreon.com/Nor100Pod. Rewards start out at $1 a month, and all subscribers get early shows and extra content. If you're a subscriber, stay tuned for outtakes from today's recording. This has been Episode 78 of the Nor 100 Can Assuage Me Podcast. See you in two weeks, for our long-awaited episode discussing Andrew Lloyd Webber's all-singing, all-skating, all-train musical Starlight Express! Bye!

Kristie: Bye bye!

Oliver: Goodbye!

Clay: This has been a production of the Tim Tomriffic Podcast Network.

----

Kristie: I'm excited, because our previous guest and occasional subject, Oliver --

Oliver: AND award-winning podcast competitor!

Kristie (laughing): Putnam... (laughs) Sorry.

Clay: Oliver, I swear to God you can plug it at the end.

Oliver: Sorry, sorry, carry on.

Kristie: ...where the hell was I?

----

Kristie: It received mixed reviews, but did fairly well at the box office, and a decade later played constantly on cable to a devoted fanbase.

Oliver: Are you sure that's the reading you want to go with?

(Gavel FX)

Kristie (laughing): Not your podcast, Oliver! 

Clay: Objection sustained. Kristie, please proceed.

----

Oliver: If I may, I just want to say about the cast and crew of the show, I have never felt more like a member of a family. We still keep in touch, and it's a real testament to --

Bird: (Squawks) Aw, blow it out your (Bleep)!

Oliver (sighs): That (Bleep) bird.

Bird: Give me a little kissy.

Oliver: Can we cut for a second?

----

Oliver: And, you know, those two didn't exactly get along. (Bleep) always used to joke that (Bleep) spent every night (Bleep) the horses.

(Clay and Kristie laugh, shocked)

Clay: Jesus Christ, Oliver, we can't say that!

(More laughter)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This is an Only Murders In The Building fanfic written by me, Mark H. Besotted, and published August 1, 2023. It's as canon-compliant as I could make it before the premiere of Season 3, though I probably wrote Oliver to be more generous and likeable than he should be. Sue me -- I like that guy.

This is my first fanfic, a baby step into writing more often. I'm publishing on Blogger because I'm more familiar with formatting here than places like fanfic.net or AO3. (If you want to read tens of thousands of words of my opinions, click on my profile and visit my other defunct blogs.) Please don't hesitate to comment, even if you have harsh criticism. (And if you have a problem with the formatting of the fonts in this text, consider that might be a feature instead of a bug.)

Obviously, I have no legal rights to Oliver Putnam or any other elements of OMITB, but please respect the rights I do have. Please don't republish this anywhere, in this form or any other. And for the love of all that is holy, do NOT scrape this or feed it into any AI or machine learning. (If you would like to use this as inspiration for any other project, please check with me first -- any noncommercial use is probably okay.)